Are you there God? It's me, Kristine.

*This entry is not meant to offend anyone's beliefs or religion. I am simply stating my fears and thoughts. *

When someone you love dies, the most popular thing you hear people say to try and comfort you is that they're "in a better place now". Are they really? Where is that place? And why and how is it better? I was raised Catholic, but the last time I was in a church was for my Grandma's funeral back in January. I've always said that I would go back to regular mass on Sundays, but so far that hasn't happened. I've even reached out to an old high school friend that's training (is that the right word?) to become a priest. There were times when he's tried to help me but I always back out from the church activities he's invited me to.
The Catholic belief is that after you die, your soul/spirit goes to Heaven. Does that only apply to people? What about animals? The numerous amounts of ants that I've killed since we've lived in this house......did they have souls or spirits? Where did they go after they died?
I lost my best friend Trevor, 5 years ago in a motorcycle accident. He was only 20. Not a day goes by where I wonder why did he leave so soon? I do believe he is somewhere beautiful, but I don't know where that place is. I miss him everyday and wish I could see him again.
What if I suddenly die in an accident? Or discover I have a life threatening disease? What if I die before seeing my son grow up? What happens to me if I never find the answers I've been looking for? I desperately want to believe in something. Of course, I don't want to force myself to just "believe" like I feel like many people do out of the need of just "belonging". Sometimes I lie awake praying, but I don't know to whom. I feel like someone is listening but it also makes me uneasy because I don't know who/what this entity is.
I need help. I feel so lost. I feel so afraid. Are you there God? It's me, Kristine.........

I'm too sad to work on my NaNoWriMo today...

In the middle of writing my last blog entry, I heard from an old friend that our mutual friend Angel's little brother TJ had passed away in a motorcycle accident. If you know me, you know that 5 years ago I lost my best friend Trevor. He too, was on his motorcycle. He was hit in Dixon by a big rig that didn't see him. I visited the accident site this past September. The things surrounding the site (a Cattlemen's steakhouse across from it and an abandoned parking lot to the left of it) seem so cold and uninviting. To think that my greatest, bestest, most beautiful guy best friend had breathed his last breath there.
After Trevor's death, I told myself that I never wanted anyone to experience the feelings that I felt on September 12, 2005. (The day he died.) Now, I always drive extra carefully whenever I'm sharing the road with motorcyclists. My godfather also died in a motorcyle accident. I was just a baby so I don't remember him. The point of this blog is not to say that motorcycles are bad or dangerous, or that these 3 deaths have something in common.
The picture above is of Angel and her 2 brothers. TJ is on the left. I only met him once, this past March at a party. I took this picture about 3 seconds after I met him. I didn't know him at all, only having said probably about 5 words to him, but he seemed to be kind hearted and welcoming when I met him. And of course, so handsome! I know how much Angel loved her brother...he was her best friend. I can't even fathom losing a sibling.
Many years ago, Angel and I worked for the same company. We partied with the same crowd but eventually grew apart. I still care about her greatly. In hindsight, I wish I could tell her to hold her brother close. Closer than she already had. I wished I had told Trevor just how important he was to me. I don't remember ever telling him that I loved him.
Angel and I still comment each other on Facebook from time to time. I just now noticed that TJ had commented on my picture that I posted. "Bob Marley everyday." he said. It seems a little detached to leave my condolences on her Facebook page. If Angel ever finds this blog post, I hope I don't come across as being disrespectful to her or her family for writing this. I so desperately want to be there for her. It also seems out of the blue to call her and I know she just wants to be surrounded by her family. My heart is breaking for her. So I say to everyone: always tell the people you love how much they mean to you. Never part or go to bed angry at each other. Even if you hadn't talked to someone in a millon years, at least wish them "happy birthday" when their special day rolls around. I wish I had done all these when Trevor was still alive.
Rest in peace, Trevor. Rest in peace, TJ. I love you, Angel.

"Lost love is still love. It takes a different form, that's all. You can't see their smile or bring them food or or tousle their hair or move them around a dance floor. But when those senses weaken, another heightens. Memory. Memory becomes your partner. You nurture it. You hold it. You dance with it." ~Mitch Albom (The Five People You Meet In Heaven)

I like girly men. I also like women that could probably kick my butt!

I'm not sure if you know this about me but I have a strange taste in.... people? I'm not using the word "taste" as in I'm trying to find a spouse. I've pretty much been married since I graduated high school. (From the moment I met Monsieur Voice, I always knew we'd get married. Weird, huh?) Anyway! That's not what this post is about.

I was thinking about my celebrity "crushes". I'm not sure what else to call it. I don't necessarily want to make whopee with any of them (or do I? Heh heh heh....) But the people that I find absolutely downright GORGEOUS in the media/on tv/in movies all have something in common. The women have muscles. The men look waaay hotter in high heels and fishnet tights than I have ever thought I would.

I recently watched "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" in its entirety with Monsieur Voice and BLV. I've seen bits and pieces of it before when I was younger but didn't pay much attention to it. I found out it was on Netflix so I decided to watch it. I couldn't take my eyes off of Tim Curry as Dr. Frank-N-Furter. I never thought I would say this about Mr. Curry but he makes one sexy transvestite! I know I'm not the only gal who loves it when a man can work those high heels and dominatrix teddy, right?

Then there's Johnny Weir. With his fabulously curled eyelashes and his graceful swan-like moves on the ice. He too, can rock the high heels. He recently competed in Kelly Ripa's high heel race in New York City. Never in a million years could I walk, let alone RUN in high heels. I guess in a way, I am jealous but he and Tim Curry a la Dr. Frank-N-Furter are just tooooo beautiful to stay mad at! Am I right or am I right? ;)

If you know me in real life (or even semi know me since I've talked about her in my vlogs) I am such a fangrrl of Jillian Michaels! I strive to have sculpted, strong arms like hers. The way she barks out orders while I'm sweating pools and pools of gross salty perspiration makes my heart go a-flutter with adoration. I've also had a little thing for Jackie Warner, another female celebrity trainer. (I much prefer her with her shorter hair style, might I add.) And uhh....I've tried to think of a reason I like Jackie so much but I can't quite think of one. She's just hot. Haha.

I don't even like the terms "girly man" or "manly woman" but I can't quite think of a way to put it that people will understand what I'm talking about. I know I'm not the only one like this! Who does your fangirl/fanboy heart pine after? =)